615 Days, or
1 Year, 8 Months & 5 Days, or
440 Weekdays, or
178 Weekends, or
87 Weeks & 6 Days, or
14,760 Hours, or
885,600 Minutes, 0r
It should seem like more than plenty of time to rehabilitate one’s self from trauma caused from living overseas, countless financial mistakes and bad decisions that I will never ever regret. But so far it’s not! I’m frustrated, in debt, tired, sick and I just wish I could rehabilitate my life.
When one thinks of rehabilitate they think drugs and or alcohol, but luckily in my case it’s not that. But just as bad, just as rough and as incredibly difficult to get back on track when its caused by trauma. The question is, how?
Long story short, I went on holiday in June of 2008 to an island in Belize, met the love of my life, moved to China together for a business opportunity, had a baby, enjoyed the pleasantries that come with being an expat, explored Asia and worked & worked & worked & worked. Fast forward 6 years later, told I was too expensive of an employee and it was time to go back regardless of how it affected me, my career or my family – or so it felt. Coupled with a back story not known to my company that I had gone through emotional distress with a group of Doctors in China that convinced me I had ovarian cancer. THEN, go back to the US, put in a position I had absolutely no right being put in (but that was the “companies” objective), deal with a bi-polar (just fact not insult) husband and a son (CRBA – US Child Record Birth Abroad) acclimate to a country neither of them had ever experienced, and then realized I needed a mental break. 8 months into treatment told by both my company representative and an insurance company that I was a liar, a fake and had nothing wrong with me – even though I had medical doctors, 2 psycho-therapists, a pyschiatrist and myself to prove differently. Well frankly, that’s how the US system works when it comes to mental illnesses such as PTSD, Anxiety, ADD and OCD. That’s not a surprise to anyone reading this especially if you are breathing and get the news. The US has systems that don’t support anyone, no matter how big or small the case is. They just want to sweep it under the rug – ask our Vets, they risk their lives to protect the US citizens and when they come back there is no help or benefits.
That’s fair, or so a diplomatic society tells me and although I disagree I can accept the outcome of my case. In terms of the support I asked from the insurance system their decision is their decision. Even after I asked for it to be reviewed again. There are those that believe in spending time and tax dollars to win a big sum. That’s not me. I just wanted help to rehabilitate, got what I could and I will be thankful for that. But at the end of the day, I feel I still have a lot of work to do and how did I come to that? Because 615 Days, or 1 Year, 8 Months & 5 Days, or 440 Weekdays, or 178 Weekends, or 87 Weeks & 6 Days, or 14,760 Hours, or 885,600 Minutes, 0r 53,160,000 seconds I’m sitting here on my couch, back on the beautiful island of Ambergris Caye, in San Pedro, Belize. Sick with stress, hives and a whole boatload of things that really just need re-booting. It’s kind of an oxymoron no? Living in paradise, but feeling lost and needing change?
So why am I sharing it? Because I’ve just had enough hiding, denials and covering up. I also feel I’m not the only one out there and maybe by opening up and sharing it will inspire others in the same boat to realize there is hope. I’m not embarrassed of my situation, I’m not ashamed it’s just the chapters of the book that have built who I am right – at – this – moment. I’m not looking to earn millions of dollars in law suits – because that’s not who I am. It’s just I want a life stress free, debt free, sickness free and just live a simple, honest life and show – god willing – before mine and my husbands parents are buried, is that all we wanted was a simple life. We both hope with a lot of determination and hard work we’ll be able to give back to them everything they’ve done for us.
To be 100% transparent, I’m definitely not playing a victim here or making accusations. I also will not use the word that I need to improve my life as I really have had a great life thus far. But, I am here because of decisions – good or bad – that were made by me. Those that do know me as a person intimately – not the judgmental cubicle partners – I really am not that type. There was no harm intentionally done to me to cause this situation. No company, entity or person deliberately caused me to be here. It’s just a fact. Is what it is and I am just at rock bottom, ready for a change.
As embarrassingly humbling as it would be to just ask for a handout, I’m sure both my husband and I feel the same – it SUCKS ASS – to owe people money. And trust we me do! For those that we do owe, and you are reading this: we do at some point, when we aren’t struggling – plan to reimburse, not to mention pay it forward. In the meantime, if anything in this blog resonates with you, hits a chord, or really you just want to help, here are some links where you can purchase things you need for yourself, friends, family and loved ones that will support the small business we are trying to manage as we rehabilitate our lives. (Just click on the hyperlinks and please feel free to share with friends. :) Said with a very grateful Thank you!).
She She Koi powered by Amazon
GSDA Martial Arts & Fitness San Pedro Belize
So to answer the question made earlier, how do I intend to rehabilitate? Appreciate the small things, not that I don’t, but I’ve been too consumed with finding ways to bring money to our family I put the time where I should do that to the side. Appreciate my husband, our son and not that I don’t, but again I let the unimportant consume me, and they both definitely deserve more. Take time to communicate with family – especially mine where cousins are literally almost an extension of your siblings, well because our Grandmother – God bless – wasn’t raised with cell phones, computers and excess. So she bestowed in us that important trait of communication, love, appreciating and having fun with your family. Committing to being healthier, finding ways to better my life, proper nutrition, contributing to the community and those that need it more than me. Not to forget mentioning exercise, diet, prayer, meditation, go to church and REST (big one for me) I don’t sleep well. So obvious right, but so easily not maintained when you let yourself get over-consumed with something else – especially if like me you have OCD tendencies. Again things a system want to say I don’t struggle with, but I’m living proof that’s not the case. In short, I want to learn how to simplify and minimize my life for our family. A few things anyway that have popped in my head as I was writing this.
So, in the days, weeks, months, and years to come I plan to use this outlet as my place to share what I’ve been working on to rehabilitate my life. If something pulls at you, please share. Comments, suggests, ideas. I’m open – I can’t do this alone, and nor do I have the answers. I know there are others out there that may be in the same exact position, just not sure what to do. Let me be that ounce of faith you need to know it’s possible and I’m here to prove it one step at a time and your are welcome to join me.